The Prodigal Child - Bleeding Boy

Rebellion, Recklessness, Realization, Repentance, Restoration
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Got blood drawn today. Twice. Good thing I live close enough to the hospital that it's possible for them to call me on the telephone after having blood taken to tell me to come back because they didn't get enough the first time. So I've got matching pinholes on the insides of my elbows. If I recall correctly this is the first time I've had blood drawn without any anxiety at all. I suppose one of the side effects of keying yourself is that needles become a nonissue.

It's dark now. I'm going to guess around 3 AM. I can't tell, but I'll get to that later, I guess. I had problems sleeping last night, which isn't surprising, but I also had a requirement to be awake early (so I could get needled) and that always ends up getting to me. I should sleep but I can't. The only lights in here are my laptop screen, which I have dimmed 'cause it seems somehow improper to have it at normal brightness when the world wants dark, and the glow from my clock radio diffused through a full beer bottle. Which is why I can't tell what time it is. I like the glow though, so I'm not going to drink him just yet.

I'll need to drink him soon though. I'll need to drink him and all of the buddies he can round up for me. That's what I need. What I'll actually end up with is just him and a wonderfully powerful depression over the fact that neither him nor I could round up any friends. He's nice to have around though, I guess. Makes my clock radio more attractive, and for now I can take from him the comfort that I can get some kind of toxin. Toxins are good.

I just realized that a lot of my "updates" recently probably make this site look like a... look like one of thouse four-letter-'b'-word-sites. And a stupidly infrequently updated and unpopular one at that. I didn't mean for any of those things to be true. I think often about just archiving and scrapping this whole thing. It's not what I meant it to be. I can't make it what I meant it to be. I'd like to say I'd replace it with a site with a little more content, but I don't really have anything useful to share. I don't do/know/have anything special that's not available on a dozen/hundred/thousand other web sites and I just plain refuse to put up a list of links that'll go dead on me.

That thought sounds better and better the more I think about it. The only problem I can really see with it though is that I suppose the site's always there, an outlet of some kind, a "someone" to talk to. That's harder and harder to come by anymore. Half by circumstances beyond my control and half by circumstances completely under it. And if I take the site down and I don't have any "someone" (it appears more and more that that state is coming up fast) what happens when I start bleeding again?

I hate that it sounds so fucking melodramatic to say "Maybe then I write my last 'update' and go find my bridge." in response to the previous question. I only hate that fact because the response is the first one to come up and like I said, it sounds so "Woe is me."

Maybe I'll just end this update right here, go work on RainMan, and call it displacement. Sorry about all this, everyone. And yes, by "everyone" I mean the two of you.