And so now, lacking any other real outlet, and needing something with which to update this site, but not having the necessary level of concentration needed to write on anything proper, I will inflict upon you the brunt of my attempt to "let a few things go." I warn you now that this particular page will be whiny, self-pitying, deluded, near nonsensical, and ridden with teenage pseudo-angst. But a good dose of that does a body good once in a while.

I wanted, in the beginning of this summer, to spend time under a rock. All of my time. I wanted to withdraw from humanity and be left alone to sort out a million different things I once thought I had in good order and then realized that I merely had shuffled from one spot to another. Needless to say, all the good rocks were taken, and I missed my chance. I've dealt with people, and I will probably continue to do so until I decide to grow a backbone, at which point said backbone will prevent me from living under said rock. But of course, that's the way things work. I would have loved it, too. A nice, flat, grey, circular rock with a nice cool underneath I could have sat around in, in the dark, and thought about everything that needed thinking about.

But instead I sit in front of my eye-burning monitor and I program. Instead I sit in front of the machine and play. Instead I sit in bed and read. Instead I sit in front of a television and undo all the reading by rotting my brain. Instead I let people tell me what I'm going to do instead of doing what I want to do, because it's easier to go along than to explain why I like sitting alone doing the same thing hour after hour after hour instead of really interacting with people.

I should be under my rock. Instead I'm finding out that someone I considered one of my closest friends (We'll call him John, because it's a nice, nondescript name) is changing daily into something I never thought I'd see manifest in him. While on one hand I'm glad to see his newly found sense of independence I can't shake the knowledge that I know John still wants to be good friends, but I was more comfortable with what he was a long time ago, and I'm not sure I particularly like the way he's headed. And I try not to think about it because every time I do, I'm faced with the changes John has gone through. Every time I think about it I can't tell if it's selfish to want him back the way he was because it'd be putting him in a place I know he didn't like. Every time I think about that though, I wonder if maybe it isn't selfish because I'm really a little worried for John, worried that he isn't headed where he think he is, worried that maybe he's lying to himself without really seeing it, and worried that one day the changes are going to put him somewhere he likes even less than where he didn't like being before.

On top of John, I've got others. I've got others who want to make plans with me but don't talk about it. I've been asked to go visit a friend in New England this summer with one of my other friends. I want to go, my other friend wants to go. The problem is, the other friend needs to get off work, and because of that we can't have real plans until it gets close to when the trip is supposed to happen. I can't blame him for his workplace's requirements, and I don't. I can't blame my friend in New England for anything, because she's by nature an active person and she had her summer plans before a trip was even considered, and I don't blame her. I can't blame myself, and don't blame myself, because I'm in the dark, and I really can't do anything about anything until I get word from the friend who needs to settle with work what is schedule is. And so we three are trying to make a relatively major plan with nothing to go on, and I know that we're either going to have to rush around at the last minute, something I despise doing, or we're going to have to call it off and all three be cripplingly disappointed.

I've got more ammunition, but I don't care to spend it right now. I try to only shoot a few things at a time, because if you shoot too rapidly, the kickback on each fire throws your aim off more and more. If you're really interested in something, ask questions, and see how good you are at it. Don't worry about when this was written or when you write, I don't know how long this will be here, but I promise I never run out of ammunition if someone asks the right questions.