I've got a billion things I could blame the problems I see on. I've got almost as many reasons why one or another of those billion things is not the cause of the problems. And at the end of the day, after I've made myself weary by thinking about our problems, I accept that I don't know the reasons for our problems, because I only know one side of them, my side, and there has to be a "real" explanation, taking into account many factors, and many points of view, and many people. And because I've been taught that at the end of the day it's better that the whole benefit over the individual, I shoulder our problems, tell myself that that's the way it has to be, and I walk myself into the ground trying to tolerate intolerable problems I know shouldn't be but can't think of any reason to justify them NOT being other than selfishness.

I see my generation being lazy and apathetic. That pisses me off to no end, because lazy and apathetic people don't accomplish anything, right? Then I look at myself and see myself being lazy and apathetic and realize that I have no room to talk because I would be a hypocrite to point fingers without fixing myself first. And because I am lazy and apathetic, I can't get up and do something about it. But then I see my peer who works a million jobs, gets straight A's in school, captains the footbal team, volunteers at the homeless shelter, and is happy about it, and I realize that maybe I'm finding blame where it isn't, in my peers, because I want to justify my shortcomings.

I see the parents and other adults of this age pointing fingers at kids now for being fucked up. All those "bad" kids who listen to Marilyn Manson, then go to school and rape the teachers, blow away kids, and then turn the gun to their own head are fucked up because the entire generation is filth. The internet is teaching kids how to build high explosives. The music is telling kids that guns are cool. It's been said before, and I'm beating a dead horse by saying it again, but fuck you, adults. You're the ones who were supposed to raise us, to teach us right and wrong, and now you have no right to bitch that we're fucked up because you had to go to work and your babysitter couldn't teach us what you didn't. My mother quit her job to raise her two children. We did without a few things, as a result, but she was there for us. My father went to work, and he worked hard, but he came home every night and spent good time with his kids, throwing frisbees, walking the beach, and countless other fun things that weren't all for his own benefit. I love both of them very much, and I respect them as much as I love them. Because they were there. My father bought me Mortal Kombat when it FIRST came out for home gaming systems. I was about 12 years old. I've played Doom, albeit not much. I played Wolfenstein when people asked "WolfenWHAT?" I've yet to shoot anybody. I don't like guns. Go figure.

I suppose if there's any kind of hope, it lies in the generation underneath mine, but I'm not going to bet on it. Our kids can't be innocent because of the actions by MY generation, caused partially by the actions of our preceding generation, caused partially by the problems of the generation before them. Catch a pattern here? Kids today can't play Cops and Robbers because it means that they have to pretend their fingers are guns. They can't say anything to the effect of not liking somebody else because it means they're going to shoot somebody. They can't say they have a black friend because then they might grow up to be racist, calling him black and all. At once we teach kids to celebrate the differences between people by informing them about other cultures and religions. That's good right? Yes. Until you start teaching them at the same time that they can't say someone is Indian, crippled, short, tall, white, black, ad nauseum. You think this generation of teenagers is confused. You just wait.

My mother asks me how her some became so cynical. I don't know how to answer that. I'd say it's because I'm smart, because I actually think about what I see going on around me. She'd have to agree, because she's been telling me that, along with teachers and just about everyone else it seems for as long as I can remember. I'd tell her that but I can't. Because I'm not smart. I'm just like everyone else.